IRRELEVANT UPDATE TIME!
I managed to snag an iMac at the local thrift store for around fifteen bucks, all told ($8.99 for the computer itself, another $2.99 for the keyboard that went with it, and another $1.99 for an optical mouse that seems to work fine with it, even though it's an IBM instead of the customary Apple type, which is fine by me, since I can't get the hang of a one-button mouse).
I also finally got a job, back at the Mile High Comics warehouse, where I worked around fourteen years ago. Horriblly underpaid, but at least it's an income.