Contest: ENTER ST:VOY Caption Contest #238: The One Where the EMH Has a Psychotic Break

"So this is the new medical device I'll be using for all future prostate exams. Now then...hey, where are you going?"

 

Janeway: "Captain to all crew: Please excuse the doctor as we are still trying to de-bug him on the space diarrhea virus. Under no circumstances whatsoever is Ensign Harry Kim getting promoted. And there were no salamander babies."

 

Oh, two of you now? Well if you can get two or three more, it might be a fair fight!


HARRY: "The captain should be discovering right about now that I've moved all the replicator patterns for coffee onto an isolinear rod, which only I know how to find."
(A horrible scream in the distance)
EMH: "Looks like she figured it out."


SEVEN: "Seven to Janeway. I have searched the entire ship's database. There is no sign of the pattern for coffee."


TUVOK: "Mr. Kim has agreed that he will return the patterns for coffee in exchange for lieutenant's rank pips."
CHAKOTAY: "We can't give in to him. It would be a dangerous preceden..."
JANEWAY: "Tuvok, you pointy-eared oaf, get Mr. Kim those rank pips before I stick you in a blender."

 

Janeway: "Captain Janeway to Ensign Kim: I already let the original Ensign Kim blow out a haul breech and die in space, I have no problem experiencing that again. I don't care if I have to breech the haul myself to blow you out! I made a deal with the Borg and destroyed trillions of lives, I can live with another dead Ensign Harry Kim."

 

Seven: "Who is this "Alexa" you speak of? There is nobody on the crew roster by that name..."

 

Janeway: "Promote Alexa immediately!"

 

HARRY: "But can you live with not having coffee for the next 60 years?"

 

Janeway: "When I'm, Admiral Janeway, I'll have all the coffee I want. I'll screw over entire worlds for coffee!"

 

Janeway, due to a combination of coffee withdrawl and general megalomania, promptly has a psychotic break and winds up in a padded room muttering incomprehensibly about her Irish Setter.


CHAKOTAY: "Mr. Kim, I will be taking command of Voyager while the captain is indisposed. And as a guy who's had some dubious relations with aliens in his own past, most notably a Cardassian in a Bajoran suit, I rescind the reprimand against you and grant you field promotion to lieutenant. Congratulations, Mr. Kim."
HARRY: "Thank you, sir!"

 

Woodcotay: "However, since I am not a real Starfleet officer and actually worked for the enemy, I have no real authority to promote you. It's strictly honorary, like getting a badge in a box of cereal."

 

HARRY: "As long as I can strut around Voyager with multiple pips on my collar."
CHAKOTAY: "Well that you can do, lieutenant, at least until Janeway recovers."
PARIS: "That won't be for awhile, sir. She's still in that padded cell, standing on her head and warbling an original sea shanty about her lost baby salamanders."
HARRY: "Your baby salamanders too."
PARIS: "I don't want to talk about it."

 

Harry Kim: "What's this gas coming out of the pips? Oh, fuck -- not this again!"

FALLS ASLEEP.

WAKES UP WITHOUT EXTRA PIPS.

 

And... the pips mysteriously regenerate.
Janeway, who has returned at this point, angrily rips them off. They come back. Janeway rips them off again and flings them. Zap, they're back. 264 pips and one absolutely epic screaming fit later, Janeway storms out of the room.

Moments later, in a flash of light, a familiar face materializes.


HARRY: "Thanks a lot, Q."
Q: "Don't mention it, dear boy. The pleasure was all mine."

 

Harry: "Wow, I can't believe it -- finally promoted!"

Q: "Oh, I do, however, have some bad news."

Harry: "What? Was this a joke -- was I not promoted???"

Q: "Oh, no joke -- I assure you. There is, however, a slight catch."

Harry: "What?"

Q: "You're dead."

Harry: "Huh? I don't feel dead."

Q: "You see, my dear perpetual ensign, you died when the haul breeched and you were sucked out into space."

Harry: "No, no, no -- Captain Janeway would save me at the last moment!"

Q: "She enlisted an alternate reality Harry Kim to take your place. Nobody blinked an eye."

Harry: "And HE got promoted?"

Q: "No. I brought you back and promoted you merely for my own bemusement. Oh, how delightful it was. Jean-Luc would be so jealous. Well, now back to being dead with you."

Harry: "Fuck."

 

Janeway:"We're not talking to you anymore."
Chakotay: "Is this about the impersonations? Because I can explain everything. There was this weird plant, you see, and everyone was daring me to eat it, so..."

 

"There will be no need to take your pants off; with this baby, they might as well not even exist."

 

In the throes of death, Harry staggers out in front of Janeway.
HARRY: "At least... I die... as a lieutenant."
He collapses and dissolves into dust.

JANEWAY: "Computer, confirm status of Ensign Kim."
COMPUTER: "Lieutenant Harry Kim is deceased."
JANEWAY: "You mean Ensign Kim."
COMPUTER: "Negative. Harry Kim was a lieutenant upon termination of life functions."
JANEWAY: "Computer, reduce Lieutenant Kim's rank to ensign."
COMPUTER: "Unable to comply. Starfleet disciplinary policy does not permit posthumous reductions in rank."
Janeway rummages through the pile of ashes, hoping to at least remove the extra pips. But, they have dissolved along with the corpse. Harry Kim is now (irrevocably) a lieutenant.
JANEWAY (sighs): "Lieutenant Paris, fetch me a dustbuster."

 

Q: "Sorry, Kathy, that was me again. As your current Ensign Harry Kim is the only recognized Harry Kim, the computer naturally does not recognize a dead man I yanked briefly back into existence. I hereby restore all your coffee and it can never be taken away from you again. But I leave you with Tuvok's flatulence."

 

JANEWAY: "You're leaving already?"
Q: "Yes. And I'm taking your Harry Kim with me. I think I'll drop him off on Deep Space 9. Sisko may be given to punching me, but he knows that the proper way to deal with an ensign is to promote him."
HARRY: "And this time, I won't feel bad about being home at all!"

Harry and Q vanish. Three seconds later, Tuvok majorly cuts the cheese.

 

Q: "Oh, damnit, I'm naked and powerless again. The Q are punishing me and have returned your Ensign Harry Kim. Are you looking at my lower case q?"