The rain falls on all people. Having been through the whole unworthy phase recently, regardless of what your thoughts might tell you, you are worthy. Nothing can make you less so.
Depression may be false, but when it hits us emotionally it feels completely like the reverse. I was diagnosed with clinical depression in my teens, and saw a wide variety of therapists and counselors for years. But I kept getting frustrated with them, because they'd often say things like, "Well, what are you going to do?" And it took all I had not to scream back, "Idiot! If I knew what to do, why would I be seeing you?!"
I've been on the both sides of this. It sucks. The hardest part about being a therapist is that we are not supposed to tell people what to do. I joke with my clients that I am not paid enough to be their boss. So, we explore what activities enjoyed in the past, things that maybe seem hard right now, and how to move to a place of willing to try, even if unmotivated.
Relapsed yesterday and bought whiskey and did the same again today. I'm in new surroundings and am not settled so I reach for the bottle to get me through. I should know better and it's partly why I'm posting this. Something else that tipped me over the edge is my PC is no longer booting up. I think it might be due to keeping it in storage in a cold garage and not giving it enough time to warm up. I'm sure I heard a hissing sound when I started it up and started getting BSOD and now it's not even booting so I'm guessing a blown capacitor or failed PSU. Whatever the cause it's a cheap system and will be easy enough to fix but it's still like something sent to test me and I'm losing. Internet signal in my new home is practically non existent so have logged out of my chess account and am going to use anything internet related as little as possible from now on. Just me, my books and Eva and music. I was listening to my own compositions last night and thinking you fucking go girl. it's been a long time since I last listened to my own stuff and felt a sense of pride. I need to get diagnosed and move on to something else because Sertraline isn't working anymore.
Sorry to hear that. Since you moved to a new place, hopefully you still have a primary care who can work with you on the meds. In the mean time, anything positive that you can add in the daily? I love that you have your books and music. As my uncle says, "books will get you through times without money but money will not get you through times without books."
I'm sorry if I was rude to you yesterday I didn't mean to be if I was. Thank-you for your kind words I love that book quote. I'm sociable but also crave solitude and have had anything but for the last few months so now I have it I'm in a fluster.
I appreciate the apology and we're ok. Sorry to hear life is so stressful. I get that. I work 3 to 4 jobs right now (due to various life circumstances) and I am both sociable and crave being alone. I drive my wife and kids nuts a lot, and they complain I am quite irritable at times. I'm working on it, but I'm definitely not perfect or anywhere close to it, and feel like I'm getting closer to my "grumpy old man" status sooner than most.
I'm not married, and I'm usually pretty even-tempered, but there's some occasions where I feel like Jack Lemmon and Walter Matthau's characters from the Grumpy Old Men movies. They're constantly antagonizing each other, usually for pointless reasons, and their families are often caught in the crossfire.
Thanks for your considerate reply I really appreciate it. I've not mentioned it before but since I stopped drinking last year I've become unable to show my emotions like I used to and while I don't think I have Wet Brain I tick some of the boxes and have become more detached which only leads to a spiral of self doubt. When I was drinking I scored close to the maximum points on a Bi-Polar test but didn't pursue it when I entered recovery because the symptoms of mania one week depression the next drastically subsided but it's still there as is my tenancy to get blotto when I don't feel in control so I know I'm living on a day to day knife edge and always will.
Went to public store today just to get out. My mind didn't seem interested or excited about the books, movies, or things that interest me, it was like a numb feeling. I was so spaced out when interacting, as if my mind went numb or didn't care, it was like watching a movie interacting with people and it also felt like a blur.
As long as you can remember that you were you. I am no Expert, but if you still have a grip on reality… But, if the “reality” you were experiencing, as you say, was disconnected, maybe the “spaced out” part was no good, and you chose a more familiar “setting”?
Yeah, that's depression. I spent over a year like that. It sucks. Therapy, medication, and meditation have really helped.
Sounds like depression to me. I will sometimes wander stores just uncertain and nothing sounds really appealing or good or interesting. Usually a sign to get out and do something.
I had a job interview up at the grocery store up the street, and it did not go well. They are doing open interviews, but it had me schedule one after I put in the application, and I went in about 10 minutes before it was scheduled. The guy doing the interview didn't come get me until around 1/2 an hour after it was scheduled, and then as we were going into the interview the guy seemed to think I was there for an open interview, and when I realized that I tried to tell him I had one scheduled earlier, but he didn't say anything. After we got into the interview, he started asking all of the basic questions even though I had filled out all of that in the application, including that I had worked at one of the company's stores a few miles up the road. After he was done asking the questions he told me the only openings they have are for licensed pharmacy technicians, but my mom and I both suspect that isn't true. So I'm not sure if he didn't like that I had quit at the other store, or if it something else I said, but it seems like I did something to make him not want to hire me. So that's now two interviews I've been through and haven't gotten hired. I have to confess we are a little suspicious when it comes to HR people because the lady who was in charge HR at the Wal-Mart where I worked lied constantly. When I was first looking for a job, both my mom and I asked about me going back there a few times, but she always said they weren't hiring then, but then a few days there'd be a whole bunch of new hires going through their orientation. Once she was gone I did go back, but I still couldn't handle working there and a quit again after a couple weeks (not counting the 2 weeks I was out for COVID). I'm starting to get frustrated and wondering I'm doing something wrong.
It's been a few days since my sister and I arrived in Portugal, but as fun as vacations are, my stress level has been pretty high lately. This is my first trip to Europe, particularly in a country like Portugal where English is not the native language, but the locals are friendly enough and communicate well with tourists. "Annie" and I have had our differences. She likes exploring new horizons, and I do too, but I want to be armed with knowledge, instead of winging it. I easily get frustrated when we can't seem to find our way walking to a specific venue, with the phone GPS making us run around in circles. This was especially true in Lisbon, where there were no street signs. It took me 36 hours to figure out the street names were inscribed into the sides of buildings. This is my first post-pandemic international travel, and I find the hotels here lacking in the most basic needs or amenities, like minor toiletries, bath rugs, shower mats, or storage closets. Has the travel industry really changed that much in five years' time? The hotels we've stayed in have only one bed, presumably due to a booking error, and we can't book two beds because there's no availability. There's something icky about sleeping in the same bed as my 58-year-old sister. Vacation getaways are supposed to be fun and relaxing, but this trip seems to have the opposite effect on me.
Feeling numb lately from recent events that occurred in my life. It's made me question everything about myself and the way I think and feel.
Been feeling a bit overwhelmed the last month +. Not happy with work, school is a lot, and not happy with the house I bought. The drawbacks still outweigh the benefits at the moment and all the unexpected costs have transitioned me from a ton of disposable income to being house poor. I had wrote a long post but deleted it. Was more to vent/whine than for feedback.
FWIW, you should have kept the post. It's quite therapeutic to write down how you feel and what's on your mind.